bloody nose

I shake awake to a blood smeared pillowcase

And the sound of drunk girls laughing on their way home from the bars

On a Friday night

Paralyzed from a dream

I was once trapped in

I am still trying to escape

I flip on a light switch

To the loud rumbling of the broken bathroom fan

I flinch and reach for some toilet paper

To shove up my nose

To ease the flow

And my mind

In the mirror

I see my father’s wrinkles around my eyes

And I shake because I am not a man yet

I am still living in a university owned apartment

Saturated with empty beer cans

And trash

And shit

And I could sink in a tub

Or a chair

Or a bottle

And tell myself I am fine

That it’s not me, it’s my mind

But I am not sure we know the difference

Without Fluoxetine

Disintegrating into dark red blood

Or light blue blood

I can never remember which color it is on the inside

But I know how it looks

Smeared on my upper lip

Or dripping off of frustrated knuckles

Or shot into my eyes

Because it’s been me and the mirror

The past few nights

Or maybe me vs. the mirror

And I am not quite sure

Who is winning.